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SAIA MESUM!!!!!t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)


a job in a zoo

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help me, help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?


alligators in the pool

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen.

The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators.

The CEO says to his executives “I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!”

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, “You are amazing. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, “You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!”


the religious horse

Once a man bought a horse. You had to say ?hallelujah? to make it go and ?amen? to make it stop.

The man was riding his horse one day but then he realized he was riding to an edge of a cliff.

He was so scared he forgot how to make the horse stop. He thought this was the end of his life and he started praying, ending the prayer by saying ?amen?.

The horse suddenly stopped at the edge of the cliff. ‘hallelujah’ said the man with a sigh of relief and off went the horse?


radio conversation

This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

- This is a lighthouse. Your call.


21st century children

"A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.

One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.”

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, “I will, if those as*!#!es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#’ng sheet rock…”


i love dentists too!!!

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feelthe tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but youshake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin’?


i love children!!

"Mom," says little Johnny, "Sharon and Dave were fighting an eel last night."
"What do you mean?" asks his mum thinking he must have had a dream about
his big sister and her boyfriend.
"Well," says Johnny, "I was sneaking down to the fridge last night when I 
saw them. They were hugging with most of the lights off when Sharon’s face 
started to go a bit funny. 
Dave must have known this because he put his hand up her blouse to feel her heart. It took him a long time to find it and by this time he was sick too because he looked hot and his face was funny. His other hand was getting cold, I know that because he put it up her skirt. 
Then I saw what was making them sick. This big eel had got into Dave’s jeans. I know it worried them because when it sprang out, Sharon sat back on the 
couch and said, ‘Oh bloody hell, it’s huge.’ 
Dave grabbed her hair and she tried to bite its head off but soon she made a noise and let it go. It must have bitten her back. Sharon grabbed it tight and held it with both hands and Dave got something out of his pocket. I couldn’t see that bit too well but it looked like he was trying to tie it up. 
They had a go at killing it but the eel put up a hell of a fight. Sharon got her legs around it, better than world wrestling that grip she had, and Dave was bouncing up and down on top trying 
to crush it. They were really getting a good sweat on and moaning and stuff. 
In the end, Dave gave his huge grunt and it all stopped. 
The eel was lying there when he rolled off. Sharon must have been scared by this because Dave had to cuddle and kiss her a bit to bring her round. He felt for her heart again to check she was alright but just when she’d started to mumble a bit, damned me if that eel didn’t stand up again.
The eel didn’t seem to have as much energy but it didn’t half struggle and in
the end Sharon did Dave’s job. 
She sat on it and bounced up and down for about half an hour, the sweat was rolling off her, and she kept gasping hard for breath and moaning and everything, Dave had to keep checking her heart but he couldn’t remember which side of her chest it was and he kept reaching for both sides. It took ages but this time they really did kill the thing. 
I know that because right afterwards, Dave skinned it and flushed it away.”


EPICC!!!

EPICC!!!